Dad, tonight I went on your facebook to read your past posts. I read messages people wrote to you and your replies to them. It all started in the morning when I went through your papers to see what was trash. I saw a document you filled out and I was surprised that seeing your hand writing got me emotional. Your handwriting! I see pictures of you and I touch them, I touch your face. I don’t know why but it makes me feel good so I do it. Tonight, my heart is aching. I miss you so much. I dream of you often and it’s so nice to see you and hear your voice in my dreams. I know you are in a better place, I know it without a doubt in my heart. I just miss you so much and I wish I could see you once more. I don’t know if you can hear me so I talk to God and I ask him to tell you I said hello and to tell you how much I miss you. I ask him to give you a hug for me. I just want you to know that I think of your every second.

The other day I was meeting with clients and I was talking out loud while I drove. I was talking to you, or asking God to send the message to you. I always want to tell you about my day and what’s going on with me, my husband, the kids, work, and everything else. I miss telling you every single detail of my life and you telling me to wrap it up when I talked to much. I remember  when I was young you would time me with your phone while I talked about everything and everyone. You also timed me to see how long I could stay quiet for hahaha. I love to talk, like you did. And I especially loved to talk to you. 

 

I am good most days, but today I just broke down. I’m sitting in my bathroom writing this letter to you. I remember in middle school and high school when I was making bad choices and you would tell me how disappointed you were in me and you would be upset I would lay in my room and write you letters. I’m sure mom has them. Dad you were such an incredible human being. How did I get so lucky to have you as my dad. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for everything you gave me. You taught me so much! I just wish you were here to teach me more and guide me. I need to hear your words and I need your guidance every day. 

There is so much going on in the world right now and I know you see it. I wish you could tell me what to do next. 

 

Dad, I talk to Thea about you every day. She still remembers you and she says you would sit her on your bed and put on shows for her and give her tums. Sometimes she says, “Grandpa ven!” She also misses you and she wishes you would just come so she could see you. Ezekiel is so big and he is so sweet. He is always smiling and happy. If you thought Thea was sweet and calm, Ezekiel is an angel. Thea has a strong personality, like you. She’s determined, strong-willed, independent, funny and strong, like you. 

Dad, Michael worries me a lot. You know I am always worried about him. He misses you too. He is still drinking a lot. I don’t know how to help him. Please ask God to tell me how I can help him. If you can, visit Michael. He hasn’t dreamt about you. But maybe it would help if he did. Or if somehow he could feel you. I know his heart is aching for you too. 

I miss you. You’re birthday is coming up. You would be turning 56. I want to celebrate your birthday and honor your life as best as I can. 

Thank you Dad. I know you’ll read this. I love you forever!

I’ve been resting in my home since I had my second baby on March 1. I heard about the Coronavirus going around but didn’t pay too much attention to it. Now Las Vegas is suppose to be in a quarantine as of March 18th and all nonessential businesses are suppose to be shut down for 30 days. 

The news, internet and word on the street is crazy and overwhelming.

I’m an optimistic person who believes there is something good in any situation and I also like to remind myself that everything is temporary, even this life. So I keep telling myself and everyone I talk to that everything will get better soon, and I truly believe that! I strongly believe in speaking things into existence. 

It’s hard not to get caught up with all the negative information from all these sources. I find myself doubting my faith and wondering, what if this is really the end, what if everyone gets sick and theres no cure or help, what if the government tries to take over completely, what if people start going crazy and harming other citizens, what if my babies get sick, what if my husband gets sick or even worse, what if he doesn’t come home, what if I get sick and have to be apart from my kids? A bunch of “what ifs” that have reasoning behind them and could very well happen. 

And if one of those or all of those “what ifs” happen, then what? 

I always wondered what would happen if I died or someone close to me died. I never had someone very close pass away but I thought if something happened to my parents or siblings how would I even keep living my life. How would I move on? Since my dad passed away eight weeks ago I realized, life goes on and you just keep living. 

So if one of my What Ifs happened, life would still go on. And that’s what I want to focus on. This is temporary. Although it may feel eternal for some people, its going to pass. Like everything in our lives. 

Since getting married I’ve become more active in my church and every time I sit in church I know I am exactly where I should be. I have always known God is real and he loves me but now as an adult that is raising a family and needing guidance I am learning so much more about God and who he really is. My dad told me to memorize a bible verse, 2 Timothy 1:7 “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”

This means if I feel fear, its not coming from God and if it’s not coming from God, I don’t want it. 

I refuse to let fear take over. I cannot control what is going on or how it will turn out but I can control how I feel and how I make my family feel. It’s so important to me that my daughter feels safe, happy and free. I had so many irrational fears as a child, I was scared of being kidnapped, sharks, the dark and so much more. I don’t want that for my children. So I choose to see the positive in everything. 

There is so much good that can come from this situation and that’s what I want to share and focus on. My dad always said, “what you focus on expands” (I don’t know who originated the quote) and he would also say “thoughts are things” I have heard sayings like this my entire life, and you probably have too. Now is the time to put it to practice. What are we focusing on? Because whatever that is we are creating more and more of it. What are we thinking about? Because whatever we think about comes to life literally. These quotes and others like them are powerful phrases that can change our lives. 

Are we focusing on negative things? Do we read things that make us worry or feel scared? Are we sharing our negative thoughts, negative pictures, posts, memes, etc? Are we promoting fear? 

Now is the time to live these quotes that people always repeat. Now is the time to show our children what courage looks like, how to serve others, and why faith is important. Now is the time to show our parents that they raised brave, caring and responsible people. Now is the time to look out for each other and create an impact in our community. If you have ever felt insignificant, now is the time to change that. 

If we want this to be over and life to “go back to normal” then we must all visualize healing, cleansing, health and strength. Say affirmations out loud every day or even close your eyes and imagine the virus being destroyed, healthy happy people leaving hospitals, children in school classrooms learning, older people walking their pets, and doctors making dinner for their families. We can say affirmations like: I am so grateful my body is healthy. I have a strong immune system. Today is the best day of my life. I can overcome any obstacle because God is with me. 

When my dad was in his last days, I found a quote online that says, “He’s preparing you for what he’s prepared you for.” I love that! God has already prepared us for everything. We can handle it all. Knowing that, let’s be positive and joyful for us, for our children, for our parents and for the earth. 

“Men are, that they might have joy” 2 Nephi 2:25

This post is mainly for me to write my thoughts and remind myself. Also, if Thea or Ezekiel ever face a rough time, they can read this. Every single day I wish my dad was here and I wonder what he would say about what’s going on. I know he would say the right things that would give me strength and confidence in our future. I hope he knows how much I need his words right now. Everything I wrote, I got from him. I love you dad. 

I am a nightmare when I’m giving birth. If you think I’m bad on a regular basis you should see me in labor. 

Saturday February 29, 2020 at 6:30am I woke up with cramps. The contractions felt different than Thea’s so I wasn’t sure if they were really contractions. Jesus & Thea woke up around 9am and we all went to Costco at 10am. I texted my photographer to tell her I may be having the baby today or tomorrow. At 11:30am I texted my midwife, Tiffanie “Just a heads up. Im having this baby today or tomorrow.” At 4pm my sister & 2 nieces came and we walked around the block. 

I was suppose to have dinner at my uncles house and I texted my cousin, Noe & brother, Michael “I’m about to give birth so I’ll only go for a second.” Then at 5:30 I told them I wasn’t going to dinner anymore. I called Tiffanie also and she told me to drink a tea & relax & I said I would call her in an hour if I was still feeling the same.  At 7pm my mucus plug came out while I had a contraction on the toilet. My contractions went from 5-6 minutes apart to 4 min apart in 30 minutes.

My midwives arrived at 8:30pm. Tiffanie checked me and she said I was 7 centimeters about to be 8! Our Bishop came and gave me a blessing in my room. He is the same one that gave me a blessing when I was in labor with Thea. It was a lovely blessing and he mentioned my dad in the blessing which made me emotional. He left and I got into the tub at 8:50pm. I was excited because Tiffanie said he would be born very soon and we called my mom to leave work and Jesus called his mom. The photographer arrived at 9:20pm. My mother in law arrived at 10:30pm.

I didn’t want Ezekiel to be born on Leap Year but at that point I was prepared for it. I told everyone ideally he would be born March 1st or after March 2nd because March 2nd is Jesus’ birthday and he shares his birthday with his twin brother and I didn’t want him to share with his son too.

I was just hanging out in the tub, cracking jokes and being annoying. I practiced giving birth and the position I wanted to be in. I posed for photos and listened to relaxing music. It was all pretty smooth until 11pm when the pain got more intense. Jesus read the affirmations I had hanging around the tub out loud. Jesus got into the tub to hold me. I breathed through every contraction and they started getting more intense.

At 11:25pm Tiffanie said I had a cervix lip (the same issue I had with Thea) so that was preventing his head from coming out. I told them to change the relaxing music to Whitney Houston. I knew the next couple minutes would be the hardest because Tiffanie had to get rid of the lip with her fingers while I was having a contraction. I got out of the tub and laid on my bedroom floor at 11:45pm. I was in extreme pain at this point. I was very upset and I told Jesus and my mom to say a prayer that this would be over soon. I kept praying in my head and out loud that God would help me through this and everything would be better soon.

In between my contractions I told everyone I am never doing this again. Jesus said just give her 6 months and she’s ready for the next one. I was so rude and annoyed. As I watch the videos my sister took I want to slap myself for how I acted.

At 12am Tiffanie broke my water and the lip was gone. She told me I was ready to push. I did not want to push! I didn’t even remember how to push or how to breath. I was literally in pain and this baby was coming out. I said, “Even if I don’t push him out he will come out by himself” and Tiffanie said, “uhh no you will have to push” I felt his head and I got off the floor and went back into the tub. 

I was kneeling sitting and I felt his head coming out. There wasn’t extreme pain, just a lot of pressure and I could literally feel my bones opening. I held his whole head with both of my hands under water. As I was pushing Ezekiel out for a moment it felt like it was just Tiffanie and I in the room and I was focused. She handed him to me and I looked at her and asked, “He’s good?” And she nodded yes. That’s all I needed. Her reassuring me that all was well. I said, “Hi baby boy” & Jesus shouted, “Ezekiel!” I had him on my chest. Instantly all the pain and drama was gone. The bathroom lights came on. 

In the bathroom was 2 midwives, my mom, sister, 2 nieces, Thea, mother in law, photographer and us 3 in the tub. Jesus kept kissing me on my head and I just stared at my hairy baby who I could tell was bigger than Thea. Tiffanie carried Thea so she could get closer to Ezekiel and she kissed him but then said his head was dirty. I thanked God that Ezekiel made it and all was well.

As I watch the video I physically feel the pain again and it hurts so bad. But there is nothing in the world that compares to holding your newborn baby. The moment I held him nothing else mattered and everything was perfect. During labor Tiffanie and Cora kept saying it would all be worth it and at the end of the pain was the reward and they were so right. It was all worth is and the reward was amazing. It’s amazing how women just know how to take care of other women during labor. 

Every day I am reminded that God knows me and knows what I need. He sent me another sweet angel to love and learn from.

I am so grateful for Ezekiel. He really did come at the perfect time. I wanted him to be born sooner thinking he would make it in time to meet my dad. But 3 different people told me at 3 different times that the longer Ezekiel took to come to earth, the more time he got to spend with my dad in heaven. They said while he’s in the womb he’s not physically on earth so he can go through the veil back and forth. I don’t know if that’s true but I loved hearing it. I imagine my dad with Ezekiel. My dad held him and kissed him and told him so many things. Knowing my dad he probably tried to fill up Ezekiel with as much knowledge as he could before he left his side to come to us. That gave me peace and made me wait more patiently.

I want to thank the following people:

My husband, Jesus: Thank you for supporting me and lifting me up when I needed it. Thank you for loving me and taking care of me. You are an amazing father and husband. I love you more every day.

My mom: Thank you for birthing me! Thank you for coming home early from work. For entertaining Thea while I was in labor. For holding me and caressing my face and encouraging me. 

My sister: Thank you for just being present. You didn’t really talk to me during labor (probably because I kept telling everyone to stop talking) but just having you there with me gives me strength. You help me more than you know.

My midwife, Tiffanie: Thank you for your work, your help and your constant support. You give me so much strength and make me feel like I can do anything. Sorry for being such a brat!

2nd midwife, Cora: Thank you for the prenatal massage 3 days prior. Thank you for holding me, massaging me, taking photos and playing music.

Ezekiel, you are the perfect addition to our family. You are so loved by your parents, your sister and all your family. Thank you for joining us

 

My mom would sleep downstairs in the living room on a twin bed next to my dads hospital bed. Saturday 1/25 my husband told my mom to sleep upstairs so she could rest and he would sleep downstairs to watch my dad and tend to him. My mom surprisingly agreed and came upstairs. I went to sleep around midnight, next to sweet Thea. 

Jesus came up to get me at 3:50am. He said my dad started breathing weird around 1am and he said, “ya me voy.” I went downstairs and my dad was awake, his eyes open and he was breathing with a rattle. Google calls it the Death Rattle. He wasn’t doing that at 11pm. I texted Saul & Ady. Ady replied right away.

I stayed next to him at his bedside. His eyes were open. He would try to talk but he couldn’t get anything out. Jesus & I squished his pill and put it in apple sauce and I gave it to him. Jesus went upstairs to be with Thea and I stayed with my dad. I held his hand and tried talking to him as much as I could. While we were holding hands I told him I loved him and he squeezed my hand and looked into my eyes for a second. I put his hand on my belly and he moved his finger. This was at 5:15am. The nurse I called showed up at 5:48am. My mom came down since the nurse rang the doorbell. Her and the nurse moved my dad up higher on the bed and sat him up more to help with his breathing. She gave him meds and oxygen and told us a nurse would come daily until he passes. I asked when I should tell my siblings to come and she said probably now. The nurse left at 6:17am and my mom and I stayed with my dad but my mom called Ady to come and Saul. I called Michael and he said he would head over. 

At 6:45am my dad started blabbering with his eyes open. We couldn’t make out the words but he was talking to someone. Michael arrived at 6:56am,  Ady & her husband at 7:13am and Saul and my moms brother, Weyo at 7:25am. 

We all sat with my dad and now he was breathing with the rattle and a moan. He sounded like he was having a hard time breathing. My dad’s sister, Eloisa showed up at 9am (she would stop by every Sunday before work for an hour) When she saw my dad she called into work and decided to stay. A couple from the seminar’s my dad did showed up at 10am. Then my Tia Eloisa’s husband, Tio Cuco arrived. My dad’s youngest brother Jaime arrived. My dad’s older brother Mario showed up and my parent’s long time friend Alicia and her daughter Sandra arrived. Saul and Tio Weyo went home at 10:40am because they needed to rest. Ady went into a room to nap. Jesus put Thea down for a nap also. I went into my home office to work on a paper for school. A nurse arrived at 10:58am and I went downstairs to talk to her. The living room was full of people talking while my dad was breathing hard. My mom and I were next to my dad and the nurse. She checked his feet which were now turning purple and his finger nails also and she explained that his major organs were pulling all the blood from his body and death would happen soon. She gave me her cell phone and told me to call as soon as he stopped breathing and that her shift didn’t end until 10pm and she was pretty positive it would be before then. She was very sweet and helpful. 

She also said that my dad might be waiting for the living room to clear out, everyone to leave or go to the bathroom or something so he could go. My mom told everyone what the nurse said and only 2 people left. The rest thought it was fine to sit there. I was pretty annoyed because there were so many people but mainly that were were people who weren’t related to him. Everyone was talking and laughing. There wasn’t a place to sit. I felt like it should have just been my mom and my dad’s 4 children with their families. I understand my dad’s siblings wanted to be there also and that was fine. The nurse left and I went back upstairs into the office. I submitted my paper at 11:33am and when I left the room I saw my brother Michael at the bottom of the stairs and he said Dad’s gone, he’s not breathing anymore. 30 minutes after the nurse left my dad passed away. Jesus came out of the room and my sister came out too. We went into the living room and sure enough my dad was laying there, still and quiet. 

Michael said that my Tio Mario got up to stand next to my dad and he was holding his hand when he stopped breathing. It was obvious because he was breathing so loud. I called Saul and he came back. More family showed up. My dad’s nephew Omar, his niece Eva and her husband and son, his niece Lorena & cousin, his nephew Noe, Kassandra and their baby Noah who is 12 days old, his niece Karina, his brother Jaime & his whole family, 4 missionaries from his ward, his ex-son-in-law came to drop off Emma & Ellie, his brother Noe & his 2 two sons. There were a lot of people in the living room where my dad was laying, in the kitchen and the formal living room. Thea was playing in her room with her cousins. The house was full of people who loved my dad. My mom said she didn’t want to be alone when my dad passed and she wasn’t. 

I called the nurse who came back and pronounced him dead at 12:18pm. She sat in the dining room and filled out papers, made me sign a few things and explained the next steps. Then I called Davis Funeral to come and pick my dad up. They arrived and told us to say our final goodbyes. My mom was first. She was loud and the whole house got silent. She kept thanking him and telling him how much she loves him and that she was glad he wasn’t suffering anymore. I sat and heard her talking and crying while she hugged his lifeless body. I couldn’t imagine anyone in that room loved him more than I did but she had been with him 30 years, this was her life partner who she was saying goodbye to. Michael, Ady & Saul said goodbye along with the 50thousand other people that were there. I called Jesus to come with me to say goodbye. 

Jesus stood on my left side. He kissed my dads head and he talked to him. I don’t know what he said because I was holding my dad’s hand and crying. I kissed his face and his hands and I felt how cold and stiff he was. I told him that I love him and I will see him again. The hardest moment of my entire life. The most important man in my life was gone. 

1:37pm he was carried out through the front doors and we all stood outside and watched them drive away. Thea watched as they took her grandpa and she said byeeee. I told her to blow him a kiss and say bye grandpa. I told her he went to heaven. She turned 1 year and a half the day before. 

Everyone started leaving until it was just our immediate family. We ordered pizza, the guys put his hospital bed in the garage and the small bed where my mom slept in the office. We all cleaned up, ate and then Thea & took a nap. 

I am so grateful for my husband who loved my dad like his own. My dad loved him like a son. Jesus would change his colostomy & ileostomy bags, give him food, water, medication. Jesus always made sure my dad could watch any boxing fight that was gna be on. He would run to Walmart to get any of my dads cravings. He took care of my dad and I will forever be indebted to him. 

Im grateful for Thea who napped on schedule all day and wasn’t fussy at all. She was happy and that kept me happy. She is my dad’s first biological granddaughter and she made him more happy than I ever knew possible. His phone is full of photos of her and them together. She came at the right time and has given our home so much joy. My dad would tell everyone his only sorrow was leaving Thea. He wrote her a letter before she was born & I will give it to her when she’s older. He also wrote in his journal (ipad) and always mentioned her and ended it with a photo of her. I will always talk to her about him and I know he will always be with her. 

Im grateful for my mom who loved my dad.

I’m grateful for Michael, my dad’s first born who reminds me so much of my dad. Michael got on my dad’s hospital bed and laid with him 2 weeks go. He talked to him so open and sincere and I sat and watched. I told Michael I had been wanting to do that for the longest time and I just hadn’t. He told me to do it now while I could. How I wish I would have. I’m grateful for Ady, who loved my dad like her own. She loved him so much. He would watch any show she recommended but never took my advice to watch The Office or Friends. Im grateful for Saul, who brought all medical supplies for my dad and called my mom every day to see how they were doing. My dad knew my mom would be ok because Saul would take care of her. 

I’m especially grateful for God, Jesus Christ and the plan of salvation. I am sealed to my dad and I will see him again. 

Now I’m going to make a slide show, plan his funeral and write my speech.

 

My dad has been in the hospital since Thursday, December 5. Its not a big shock since he’s been in and out of the hospital for the last couple years since he’s been diagnosed with a rare cancerous tumor that is growing and spreading. This time though, it seems to be getting serious and I feel like I am slowly losing my optimism. I always say he’s ok and he’s going to make it and I’ve been right in the past. Now when I say it I ask myself if I truly believe that. 

Im at home, my husband and daughter sleeping next to me. I went to the bathroom to blow my nose and I ended up being in there for 15 minutes just crying and talking to my heavenly father about my earthly father. I got this idea of changing into warmer pajamas and packing a blanket and pillow and going to the hospital to spend the night there. Thea sleeps through the night and if she needed something, Jesus could handle it. For a second, I felt like a 7 year old just wanting to crawl into my dads hospital bed and lay with him, just be with him. The thought of going came to me and I was surprised that I considered leaving Thea, which is not like me. I thought, she’ll be fine, she doesn’t need me. I need my dad. I don’t care about losing sleep, its never really been an issue for me. I could come back around 5am before Jesus wakes up.

Here I am, sitting next to my baby, writing. My dad says his body is suffering and a lot of things are happening internally. Yesterday he felt so bad he asked me to call him so he could dictate a letter on his final wishes. He said maybe things could get complicated very quickly and he wouldn’t have much time left. I asked if he was giving up and he said no, he wants to live longer and he is staying optimistic but he also has to be realistic. He has always been very realistic. He always says exactly what he feels and never holds back. If he says his time is coming then maybe it is. 

I told my mom that we are blessed because we know he is sick and he could die soon so we have an opportunity to make this time memorable. Many people just get a phone call that a loved one suddenly died and thats a real shock. God is allowing us to prepare. How long will he give us to be prepared?

My dad is receiving a blood transfusion right now because the drs said he has anemia which is common in cancer patients. I did some research right now and that is suppose to help and theres a study that says cancer patients that received blood transfusions lived longer than anemic patients who did not. I research as much as I can. 

I told my mom today, after we left the hospital, that I would like my dad to come home and be home. I don’t care if he dies in our home. I want him here. She rather have him at the hospital because she’s afraid that we can’t care for him correctly or we won’t know what to do in case of an emergency. Im six months pregnant and Thea’s constantly running around. But for me, him being home is better. He will be fine here. 

Its very odd trying to be positive and really “speak it into existence” when I also feel like I need to accept and understand. Im in a battle with myself. What is the reality? If I say ok, I accept it, he’s on his way out am I betraying him? Am I going against what I’ve always preached about being positive? Am I giving up if I accept that he might be dying? If I keep saying he is ok and he will be fine and he will get through this, am I being unrealistic and selfish? I don’t know how to feel and I am going back and forth. 

I pray all day that God will give me peace and understanding and that he will comfort my mom. He will be fine and so will we. 

I met Jesus in 2006 Freshman year at Las Vegas High School. My group of friends and his group of friends would hang out outside the cafeteria doors by the stairs and we just kind of mingled together. I don’t remember the first time Jesus & I actually spoke or introduced ourselves to each other. All I remember is he asked me to be his girlfriend in September. I said yes. Then he never spoke to me again. He would walk me to class in silence and then when he was home he would messages me on MySpace and thats how we would communicate. I broke up with him the same week.  Nothing changed though. We still hung out and he still messaged me on MySpace and we were all just friends.

I turned 15 in October and I had a Quincenera and I invited all my friends. Jesus says I didn’t invite him but I know I did. He didn’t go and I didn’t lose sleep over it. We all hung out during lunch and got to know each other.

On March 2, 2007 I made shirts for Jesus & his twin brother, Angel. Jesus’ shirt said Angel and had an arrow pointing to the right and Angel’s shirt said Jesus with an arrow pointing to the left. I took party hats and blowers and we celebrated their 15th bday.

I started liking a guy from his group of friends and that day the guy I liked asked me to be his girlfriend and I said yes. Again, Jesus & I still talked as friends and hung out at lunch and messaged on MySpace. That was the end of Freshman year and I started Sophomore year with a BF and Jesus as my friend. 

On March 2, 2008 it was my 1 year anniversary with my bf and also Jesus’ 16th bday. Jesus called me and said, “I love you” for the first time. I was in a relationship! Jesus had a girlfriend sophomore year and he would still write me friendly notes and message me. Me and the other kid broke up and I remained friends with Jesus. That year I turned 17 and he brought roses to my house. Looking at my journal I realized it wasn’t until around December of 2008 that I actually noticed him in a different way. We got to know each other as friends for two years. So Junior year things changed between us.

In January of 2009 I asked him to the Sadie Hawkins dance! One period I put a heart-shaped sponge in a big ice block and set it on his desk and a note that said, “you make my heart melt” another period I left a live Siamese fighting fish in a bowl on his desk with Swedish Fish candy and a note that said, “Out of all the fish in the sea, I want you to go with me.” At the end of the school day when he walked to his car I had written out Sadies? On the hood of his car in shiny pennies! There’s a picture of it somewhere. Jesus says I scratched his car with all those pennies.  Junior year we hung out a lot and were off and on. Senior year we were also off and on. We both went to Sadies with different people. Then we went to homecoming together. He got a big patch with his favorite band on it (Black Flag) and on the back sewed a tux and a dress and with a needle and string wrote out homecoming and at the bottom it said you and me, just need a three-letter word. Then for prom we were fighting and threatening going with other people and I think we just said fine we’ll go together to just to have photos for our kids in the future haha.

I think in 2011 we started being serious and exclusive. Before then we were just teens, dating people, partying, fighting, making up, fighting again. Now we are married adults fighting, making up, fighting again.

Jesus meeting you was destiny. You are my soul mate. I love your kind heart and humble ways. Thank you for being persistent and accepting me the way that I am. Thank you for loving me. I love you. Let’s be together for eternity, one day at a time. 

Looking through my journal I decided to post some entries. The dramatic years of High School and all my stupidities. It also shows a time line of Jesus & I and how we ended up together. I wrote my current thoughts in a different color.

Journal Posts from 2008-2013 (16yrs old-22yrs old)

March 11, 2008
Hello, ugh I don’t like how I start writing & then suddenly stop but right now I’m in my parents’ room and both my parents and I are on the bed writing in our diaries. Today was a cool day. I didn’t go to seminary, but I got to 1st period on time. School was normal. After school Ady called me and asked if I could go with her somewhere & when I got home she was already there. She ended up leaving me the baby and she went to run some errands. Saul and the kids came over. Saul took Mireya, Nathan (ex-boyfriend) & I to church for our basketball game. We won 19 to 26. We played the best team and won. We stayed at church a while until Saul picked us up and we took Papa Ramon home. On the ride, he was telling us how he wanted to marry my grandma and how he told her. We dropped him off and went to Mireya’s moms to take the kids and she gave us some corn bread (she makes the best) then we came home and I came to my room. Great day, have a good night. Penny

March 12, 2008
I went to the chapel right in front of my school and my mom went to a church meeting. I went for Issacs cub scout thing, he got some pins and patches and stuff. It was cute. I carried Emma. Later I filled out 3 job applications. That was it, g2g Penny

March 15, 2008
My mom picked me up from work and we went home. Ady, Saul and the kids came over and I had to baby sit because Saul was taking Ady out to eat. They left the 3 animals with me. Then my dad left to the AA meeting and I stayed with my mom. Its fun hanging out with them because I learn a lot. They’re crazy. Later Ady and Saul showed up and we all sat at the table, Saul, Ady, mom and I and talked. It was fun. When they were leaving Erianna decided she was staying the night. And she did, lil’ girl always gets it her way. Mom cleaned the kitchen and I showed Erianna how to dance rancheras. It’s so funny watching her trying to move. She’s so smart. Mom was laughing and having a great time. Later I finished cleaning and we came to moms room. Dad showed up and I told Erianna to hide in my mom’s closet and scare Miguel. My mom was a lil’ iffy about it at first but I convinced her. She kept calling my dad upstairs. Finally, he came and mom normally talked and said, “mijo can you get me my slippers from my closet” & I was watching as he went. He stepped in the closet and Erianna screamed and jumped out. My dad got scared and screamed and jumped back. Mom and I were cracking up. We couldn’t believe we got him. He was laughing too. We did our family prayer and Erianna and I came to my room. I had to play Way Back into Love the soundtrack from the movie, Music & Lyrics so Erianna could go to sleep, she’s crazy. Penny

March 16, 2008
I didn’t want to wake up this morning for church. Erianna kept snoring, I’m not even playing. She snores like an old man, ask anyone. I drove to church and it was cool. Arely, my young women’s president said I have to talk next Sunday about… I forgot. I drove back and a truck almost hit us but it was ok because I was driving my dad’s truck ha! my parents almost had a heart attack. I was chill. It was my fault though. Erianna was messing around in my room as usual. Later we went down to eat moms spaghetti. Mom made a lot because she was going to visit people. (usually when my mom cooks a nice meal it’s because she’s taking it to someone & this is proof) I had to clean the kitchen and erianna helped. Mom and dad left to visit come families. (another common thing, visiting people) When we were cleaning, I was talking to erianna about boyfriends and how her body is a temple and no one should touch it. I am glad I had that time to talk to her. She’s an amazing little girl. Ady picked us up and we rented some movies and bought pizza. Issac finally cut his super long hair. We ate and started watching a movie when my parents showed up and I left. We went to visit la familia Paez we ended up staying for like two hours. (always visiting people or having people over) We came home and now here I am. Love, Penny.

March 22, 2008
Hey, I know it’s been a while. I’m just a procrastinator and I don’t do what’s important. Today I went to Nathan’s church thing to celebrate Jesus’ death or something like that. I went this his family. It was cool and as I sat there, I listened and realized how much I’m missing out on because I belong to the only true church. Penny

April 6, 2008
Sunday March 23rd, I had to give a discussion in sacrament meeting about our church’s needs. Not knowing what to talk about I went to my dad who always has the best advice. He helped me and I decided to improvise. I went up and talked for about 10 min when really, I had like 2 minutes. I just told them what I thought and felt. No scriptures, nothing. Just Penny. (I’ve always liked public speaking and attention) I made them laugh like always and after sacrament I got a lot of compliments. Saul Ady Emma surprised us at church. They too loved the talk. After that I left with Ady and went with her fam for Easter. That was that. Friday March 28th a tragedy happened. My good friend Cris’ mom was shot in the head randomly. It’s been a top news story for a while. Blanca Gonzalez. Cris was with her. I didn’t know about this until Monday 3rd period when Lily asked if it was true. I didn’t know what happened and the whole school already knew. G2g ttyl Penny

April 14, 2008
I want to say I have the best most amazing and wonderful parents in the whole universe. (still true)
My mom teaches me things I could never think of and my dad the wisest man I know in the whole galaxy. Incredible man in my opinion. That’s all I have. I truly do have the best parents. Life goes on and whatever goes or comes I gotta keep keeping on. I depend on myself. Penelope Castillo

August 3, 2008
How embarrassing! I haven’t written in forever! So many things happened. Today I went to church and bore my testimony. And after church we came home. I’m sick, common cold. I went to bed and Carlos Miranda came over and when I woke up, I talked on the phone with my Papa Ramon and Carlos left. Later my parents and I went to visit la familia Olguin. We stayed there for a while. When we got home, I sat with my dad in the kitchen and read the New Testament. Mom made us pancakes and I cleaned the kitchen. Then we all came upstairs and I painted my mom’s nails and we said a family prayer and went to bed. Well I’m here writing, so to catch up…I’m no longer with Nathan. We were officially over Monday July 28th, 2008. Things are ok. I’m good just a little confused. Oh I got suspended from Mervyns and I have to pay $328.48 for all the discounts I’ve given since Oct 2007 until now. It’s embarrassing. I didn’t steal money or clothes. But it still caused a loss to the company. (I still cant believe I got fired from my first job. I always ask for discounts everywhere I go & now I’m wondering how many people I got fired.) Michael got more tattoos. (This was a big deal to my mom so I wrote it in my journal) Emma got her two bottom front teeth. Not completely but you can see them. Erianna cut her hair like her eat length. My mom’s hair is super short like a boy and that’s about it. Its about 10pm and I want to sleep. Ill talk to you tomorrow. Penny

August 8, 2008
I babysat Emma which was an incredible experience. She is a wonderful baby girl. On Wednesday, I went to work with my dad. I had an apt with Jeff, the Mervyns store manager. He fired me. I was so upset so I called everyone to tell them. (so dramatic and needy) G2g Penny

August 11, 2008
Hey today was cool. I’ll start where I left off. Friday 8.8.08 I went to work with my dad then I went with iris to the Galleria mall. We got make overs from bare essentials and I bought the kit for $80. It’s really good. (I remember this kit and I never used it. I cant believe I spent $80 on it) Then iris and I went to Jesus and Angels work. (This is the first time I wrote about Jesus in my journal) We just got drinks, it was cold. They looked cool in their outfits. Jesus was looking great. Saturday 8.9.08 I did nothing until 5pm I got ready to go to my cousin Nena’s quince. While my parents got ready, I went to pick up my friend Cris. Finally, we all got to the party. It was so pretty. Nena looked gorgeous. Iris and her friend showed up. Cris, Mireya and I danced the night away. Iris and her friend Mario left. Later my parents left and took cris home. I stayed with Mireya. Later Jesus showed up and I left with him around 11:30pm. We went to sonic and then to the view. It was so cool. We sat on the dirt. I was in a dress and heels. We parked and just walked around. There’s a street and it’s like a hill and we rolled down it. It was fun. Then we laid on the street next to his car just staring at the stars. (I remember this and im sure I was the only one talking because Jesus was a mute.) It was like 1am and he finally took me home. Sunday 8.10.0 I went to church. Mireya, Nohely, Tony, Beto, Carlos, Kevin, Jose & David decided we wanted to go to Cali and come back at night. We planned and planned but nothing happened. (Some of us actually ended up going on a one day trip to California and my parents were livid when we got home. We came back late because a truck crashed into us and we got a flat tire. What are the odds)
They all came over and my parents feed us all and then we went swimming and they all left. My parents and I went to visit the elderly. We only talked to 2 but we knocked on like 5 doors. It was awesome. On Monday 8.11.08 my dad and I went to the Albertsons shopping center and I applied at a lot of places then my dad left to work and Ady took me home when she got off work. Michael was here with 3 girls and Yensy, it was sick. At 12am Jesus came, and l left with him and we went to the view and I told him everything about me and exactly how I felt. He listened to me and told me he wanted to be with me. Then around 2 I got home. Michael, Jorge and all his friends saw me leave and come back but they won’t say anything. I didn’t do anything bad & Jesus is truly a gentleman and knows how to respect me. I really like him.

August 13, 2008
I went to work with my dad and after I picked up Mireya and we went to eat at Jesus’ job. I wrote him notes on napkins and he’d pick them up. One said, “you’re handsome” and at the end I left $10 “to the cute guy in the white shirt, from the girl in the orange.” (can I get my $10 back?) Mireya was wearing black & I was wearing pink haha. Then I took her home and I came home.

August 16, 2008
We had a baby shower at my house with a bunch of ladies for la Hermana Vasquez. My Tia Tere came from Mexico with 3 other people. There were a lot of people at the house. Jesus came over for like an hour. G2g Penny

August 18, 2008
Iris, Lily & I went to Olive Garden. I drove us to my house and Jesus showed up. We sat in my kitchen and talked. It was cool. Then Iris left. My parents showed up with a bunch of people from the seminar and my mom sent Jesus and I to buy some food. We took Lily home and then went for the food. Then we came back and just talked. We watched the moon come out from behind the mountains. We danced in the street. Alicia Keys, No One. Around 11pm my dad told him to leave and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I said yeah and we hugged, he left. Oh, before he took my car key chain and with the circle got on his knees and asked me to marry him. I said yes. That was that. (I was engaged to Jesus in 2008! lol)

August 19, 2008
I was with iris all morning. We gave Angel a ride to work and my dad left to Mexico. He gave me $100. (Those were the days) Jesus came over. We took iris home and picked up lily and her sister and went to the mall. It was so weird. Jesus acted like he had just met me. We did nothing “boyfriend like” (Like I said, he never spoke a word. He barely even held my hand. So weird) after we took them home and he dropped me off. I texted him telling him how dumb that was.

August 20, 2008
Iris, Ady & her kids came over to swim. I took Michael to Pollo Loco. Iris & I went to eat. She threw trash out of my car window on Charleston about to get to Hollywood and a cop was next to us! He said on the intercom “dont ever let me see that again” I was so nervous in my no license plates, no insurance, not registered car. I got so mad at her. (I will never forget this day and that is why I never liter)

August 21, 2008
I broke up with Jesus in a text. (wow, 3 days later)

Jan 1, 2009
Happy New Years!
Yesterday Dec 31, 2008 was crazy. I had to work from 3pm-10pm but I didn’t show up and I’m going to get written up for it but its ok. (Irresponsible teen) So, Lily & I went to Fashion Q and I bought a sweater then we went to Walmart and I got shampoo and she bought some stuff. We came to my house and got all my stuff so I could get ready at her house. We got to her house and I showered and curled my hair and got all cute because I was supposed to go to a hotel party at the Venetian with Jesus. My dad calls and I have to come home. I leave Lily and come home for a speech about how irresponsible I’m being. I’m always out, I waste time and money and so on. (Story of my life. I still get these lectures and I’m 27) so my parents, Ady, her kids & I go to Stella’s house, we eat and then Stella & I leave to the strip in my dads truck at 9pm. Were on the freeway and all the exits are closed. I know. So finally, we get off and try to find our way back to the strip. We’re at red lights for like 20 minutes. Its packed. Finally I pull into valet parking at Planet Hollywood and we literally (im wearing heels) run to the Venetian and there’s millions of people on the strip. Beer, smoke, crazy girls everywhere. We run where we can, push, shove, walk. Its crazy. Finally we get to Treasure Island and the roads blocked. Cops won’t let anyone through so Stella & I start heading back to Planet Hollywood. There’s loud music. Stella gets burned on her hand with a cigarette as were running. I get the truck and we start heading home. But we end up in Henderson. Im so lost and its like eleven and our parents keep calling. My feet are killing me. We’re trying to make it home before new years. We don’t want to spend new years in my dads truck. Its 11:50pm when we got to Stella’s. My dads a little upset but we get to her house safe and sound. I eat some more and its New Years. We all go outside. Stella’s mom hugs me, I hug Stella, then Stella’s Dad, then my dad. I kiss Emma, Ady’s holding her then we go inside. Stella & I take pictures. (I wouldn’t go to the strip on New Years now even if you paid me! The things you do when you are young and dumb) Now today, la Hermana Robles had been talking about some service she wanted Michael & I to do. So when Michael got off, my mom, him & I went to her house. We followed her to Main Street and as we pull up I see hundreds of bums. They all swarmed our car and I cried because I got scared. We feed them and they smiled and thanked us. They would say, God bless you and tears would roll down their face as I handed them bread. Michael acted mean at first, but u know it got to him. A black bum came over and started talking to him about God and giving. It was great. I’m going back and I’m taking my friends. That was my day. (See, I wasn’t so bad after all)

Jan 2, 2009
Stella & I went to Walmart to buy hair dye for her. I was going to dye it black with blonde high lights like mine. I ended up making it all black and the blonde came out like red because I did all black then put blonde dye. Not working, I need more bleach. (I know nothing about hair! Why would they let me touch their hair?!) It still looked cute though. Later we went to McDonalds and Jesus met us there. We ordered and drove up to the view on Owens. We parked and climbed the little hill and sat there and ate. We were there for like 20 min then Jesus left and we came home. My mom was home. I got my stuff and I spent the night at Stellas house. We watched movies and went to bed around 4am.

Jan 21, 2009
Hey! Ugh it’s been almost 20 days since I’ve written in here. So today I went to seminary and school, Stella and I went to pick up my check, get an oil change for my car and then eat at pollo loco with Michael, Noe and Jorge. I took Stella to buy a dress at fashion q and then came home. Its 9pm and I’m ready for bed which is a miracle. That was my day. I’m lying on my bed and I just took rollers out of my hair so it’s curly. It’s so cute!! Hopefully it’ll stay through the night. Alright so I’m doing ok just taking it day by day. Idk im not excited for anything. Schools whatever, church is blah, work is ugh, my family alright, friends? They’re there or somewhere. boys?? Haha dang boys is always a crazy topic at least for me. Idk im not dating anyone. But there’s Jesus. He’s been written in my diary before but idk. I asked him to sadies. He said yeah. Were going this Saturday January 24th. We got stussy shirts. I gotta get the rest. He’s cool but I’m not taking him seriously idk why. we’ll see what happens. (could I be any more annoying? Jesus & I liked each other but there was just no chemistry) Im home alone and I’m scared to sleep but I’m going to try. Penny

April 20, 2009
School is tiring, work is good when the checks come. Stella and Patty make me laugh and forget everything.  They’re great. I got back with Jesus today. We’ve had our ups and downs but I still have hope for us. I want something serious with him and I’m gonna let it happen. (Didn’t I just say I wasn’t taking him seriously 3 months prior? How do my “feelings” change so quick) Things will get better. Penny

 

October 11, 2009
Hey it’s been a while. Tomorrow’s my 18th birthday and idk why I’m not excited or even happy. It sucks. Tomorrows Monday so I have to go to school but I’m tired of school. I’m tired of everything, school, my parents, my friends, everything. I want to move. (Omg, shut up) Yesterday was homecoming. I went with Jesus. It’s funny because the last time I wrote in here I had just gotten back with him. I’m not sure when we broke up but we started dating again on August 30th. He’s pretty much my best friend but some days idk why were together. (I know it seems like I don’t like this kid but I do!) I know its suppose to be great and I know it can be. We’ve been friends since freshmen year and we went out back then too. It’s an on and off thing. Dumb. But I prefer that than off period. I’m not in love but I love him. (I wasted so much time. I should have fell in love hard the first day I met him and never let go.) I don’t know. I’m sure things will get better. Penny

December 21, 2009
I’m 18 now. I’ve been working at puma since September. I’m a senior at Vegas HS but I rarely go because I have all my credits and its boring. I’m single and heartbroken but I deserve it. (I loved Jesus at this point but he was probably tired of my stupidity) Dania Maldonado is my friend. I’m always with her and if I’m not with her I’m on the phone, if were not on the phone were texting. she’s going to ask me to be her best friend on Christmas.
Penny

December 29, 2009
Nothings quite like I wanted or expected. It sucks. Tomorrow I’m off and I want to go to the office with my dad and study for my real estate exam. (I wanted to get my real estate license as soon as I turned 18) I just heard my parents fighting over money. (The economy was shifting, and my family started going through financial struggles) Its stupid. Money causes so many problems that why I just spend mine. More money more problems. haha. No really. I’m going to save my money now. Its hard but ill do it.
Jesus is on my mind daily. I haven’t seen him for almost 2 weeks or talked to him for a little over a week. I know he’s doing fine because I haven’t heard he’s died. Plus, I left him alone and that’s what he wanted. (Yup, I took his niceness for granted and he was making me pay!) When Dania talks to Angel, I feel good because I feel like I talked to Jesus. Weird huh. I’m good though. I’m nervous for Monday because we go back to school that day which means ill see him. (ahhh, the sweet feeling of going back to school and seeing your peers. I do miss that) Ill tell you all about it. Even though I’ve said and done the meanest things, I love him. Im going to read until I fall asleep. Penny

August 26, 2010
Im Jesus’ girlfriend. Going good. Saul told me he’s gay yesterday. I’m the only one that knows in our family. he’s told a couple of people. Tito, Israel, and some friends. Man things are so hard right now. I wish I wrote everything or at least kept it updated. Saul said someone dropped off a letter for my mom. They’re suing her for $19,000 idk why or who. (it was a credit card company) That’s all he told me. My dad said he bought a meal and when he tried to pay he couldn’t because his card was locked and he has no gas. There is literally no money. Times are getting tough. Things went from great to horrible. I don’t know what to say. I’m so grateful that I have my family gay or broke I wouldn’t trade them for the world. I feel like its all coming down. As I was driving home from work today I was thinking how messed up everything has become and I thought it’d all be okay. I know it will. In 10 years things will be better than ever. (I still love this idea of “in 10 years things will be better” because it’s true. Everything is temporal. August 2020, I’m ready for you!) I’m not giving up and I know we’ll get through everything. God would never give us a trial we couldn’t overcome. Penny

April 10, 2011
I’m currently wearing grey sweats and a pink hoodie. I’m laying on my bed and its 9:30pm on a Sunday. My toenails are purple and my nails match. I’m dating Jesus. still. I was 14 when we met and were boyfriend and girlfriend for the first time. Freshman year haha we were such babies. Now we are 19 and we’re still babies. I’ve had other bfs in between those 5 years but I always find myself coming back to Mr. Carrillo. He’s wonderful and I love him. Tomorrow I’ll be starting my new job. Emerson and Mankee. Its a law firm. I’m the receptionist. I work 8am-5pm Mon- Fri. I quit Nissan a month ago. Mireya works there so I visit all the time. I’ve been really blessed with all my jobs. I’ve enjoyed every single one and always did the best that I could. My managers always gave me really good feedback and loved me. I’m in college at university of phoenix. I go Thursdays from 6pm-10pm. Its great! I’m learning so much and I find it fascinating how many things there are to learn. Education is extremely important and every day I realize that even more. I went to church today. It’s been probably 2 months since I’ve gone. I wont wake up on time (its at 9am) because I’m usually out Saturday night or my dad will have his seminar. Whatever the case is, I just don’t go. Its pretty scary because I know the worlds getting ugly and I want to be good with the Lord if anything happens. I wish Jesus (my Jesus) was spiritual or religious. I pray that he wants to learn more about Christ and become a member. We’d be the ultimate couple. (I always knew he would become a member of our church. Even if he didn’t he such a good person.)
My dad started his own seminar, Seminario Balance. it’s based off the PSI seminars. Creating world peace one mind at a time. Its brilliant and my dad’s doing a great job. I help every seminar. He has one every month. If everyone took the seminar and applied it the world would be a lot different. Penny

September 8, 2013
Today was an awesome day! I woke up at 8am called Jesus to wake him up. It was awesome because he came to church for the first time. He wore black pants, shoes and a white shirt with a tie. We sat in the second to last row with my parents. I wore a tan skirt and a navy blue peplum shirt. The only thing that sucked was sacrament was boring. All 3 speakers weren’t amazing and the children were being extra loud and crying. (this probably not true but I was so nervous) When I said to Jesus, “today is boring but other Sundays the talks are good, and they have nice topics and funny.” He said, “it cant always be a winner.” He is so sweet and positive and understanding. After sacrament we went to my class. He sat with the students and the class was on the commandments. He really enjoyed my class and said I’m a good teacher. He went home. I came home and took a nap. Around 8pm we had an FHE (my parents, Saul & I) My dad told us that at the seminar my mom opened up about Saul being gay. And she talked about it. My mom told Saul that she loves and accepts him and asked for forgiveness for not being there for him. He said she didn’t need to apologize and he adores her. (he is such a sweet son and a great example to me) They hugged. I left to go to Jesus’ softball game with Porscha. He played so well. He did a base hit every time and ran extremely fast. Also he caught the ball and got them out. He was playing so well. I am so proud of him. They lost but it was still a good game. & Porscha really behaved for it being her first time at Big League Dreams. I went to the 9pm-10pm game and then came home. They had another game 10-11. They also lost. Its ok because it’s the first game of the season and last season they won the championship. My parents & I watched Threes Company while I ironed and now I’m laying here. Im so happy Jesus came to church. He looked so handsome and acted completely normal. He is just so amazing. I love him so much. I’m so thankful with God for all the blessings. I have a wonderful family. Penny

I loved that we always had people over at our house or we were always visiting people. During that time I didn’t like that my mom always wanted to visit people and take them food and random stuff but now I get it and I love that about her. I like that I wrote about my brother coming out and my parents losing money because those were important times. I like that I wrote about “boys” as much as I wrote about my family.

If I could go back in time and talk to my younger self, I would tell her to learn good habits and work on goals. I would tell her to focus on becoming a virtuous woman, be kind, give, serve and always be ready for good opportunities. More than anything, enjoy.

Actually, when I read my journal I wanted to shout at my old self and say, “open your eyes!! Don’t waste time! Jesus is the one!) That same day I read my journal I told Jesus what I had written. I remember the feelings I had for him. I told him that I love him so much now. He said, “The way you feel about me now, I’ve felt for you since the beginning.”

I wish I could say I WAS so stupid and dramatic but I think I still am. I don’t want to wait another 10 years to wish I could go back and tell myself something so I will say it now. Penny, focus on becoming a virtuous women, be kind, give, serve and always be ready for good opportunities. Enjoy!

I became a Mother 2 months ago. I don’t quite know what being a Mother means yet. I feel like I am still the same person. My mom and other people said I would “change” once I became a mother. Maybe I have changed and the changes are so subtle that I haven’t noticed yet. What I do know is I have an indescribable love for my daughter. I have spent every day since she was born with her and I love it. 

The first couple weeks were a little odd and somewhat rough, especially the night time when the world was asleep and it was just my baby and I. My thoughts would race and I would just stare at her and wonder. I wonder what she feels, what she thinks, does she know how much I love her? The first week after I had Thea I found myself crying a lot. I really just felt a need to cry. I felt this odd feeling. I was so happy and so grateful that I had a precious baby in my arms. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her, I didn’t even want to put her down. Of course, my mom was the first person to notice I was a little “off” (mother’s intuition, I guess) The craziest part is, I would cry earlier in the day and she would call to see how we were doing and then ask, “Estabas llorando? Que tienes?”

I felt that I wanted to be with my baby every second and protect her and never let her go. I wanted to do the best I could do in every aspect and not mess anything up. I felt this huge responsibility. I am completely in love with this tiny baby and I don’t want to do anything wrong. Even now, I cant really explain it. The first time she threw up I held her and I started crying and praying to know what to do. She was completely fine and just laid on my chest while I cried quietly so Jesus wouldn’t hear. I even had a few days where I felt I couldn’t take a deep breath. The breathing sensation started when we were going to leave the house for the first time.

I didn’t want to say how I was feeling because I didn’t want to seem crazy. I have always had an annoying need to control everything. I thought that things needed to be a certain way (my certain way) or else it was a mess. I’m learning that I need to let go of the “control.” My first lesson in letting go was the first time Thea pooped through two outfits and a blanket in one night! She is teaching me a lot in such little time. 

I recently started noticing in my conversations and even my journal that all I talked about and wrote about was Thea. In one journal entry I wrote so much about her and when I finished I realized I didn’t even write down how I was feeling physically or what I had been up to or anything about me. My sister suggested getting a separate journal just for Thea where I could write to her about what she did that day and I could keep my personal journal to talk about myself and how I’m feeling, my relationship with Jesus etc. I am still figuring out who I really am and I do not want to get lost in my daughter. Yes, she is everything to me but at the same time, she is not everything. (It sounds terrible but I think it’s the truth.) I need to know who I am, what I want and what I stand for so she can do the same. I want to learn as much as possible so I can teach her not only with my words but with my actions. 

It has only been two months since she’s been born and I pray I get to enjoy a lifetime with her. I feel her love for me every second. She literally leans closer into me and stares at me and I just know in my heart she loves me as much as I love her. I am trusting in God and my intuition (which I believe comes from Him) to help me raise her. I am learning so much about myself and how to give unconditional love. I guess I have changed a little.

Thank you Thea for brining so much love and joy into my life. We are learning and growing together. I love you

On Monday, July 23rd I went to see my midwife because I had a rash on my arms, legs & stomach for a week. She did blood work (everything came out fine) and then checked me and said my cervix was very thin and I was dilated to 3 centimeters (this was around 10am). My midwife’s name is Tiffanie from Well Rounded Momma. Tiffanie told me I would have Thea that week. That night I walked with my mom for one hour, drank two raspberry leaf teas and had sex.

On my due date, July 24th my contractions started. Around 2 am I felt my first contraction. It was an odd feeling, didn’t last long & I wasn’t even sure it was a contraction until my 3rd one. It took me a while to fall asleep. In the morning I told Jesus & said I wasn’t going to time them until they got closer & stronger. I was leaking discharge or something. 

Around 3pm my sister and my three nieces arrived. We walked around the neighborhood for only 17 minutes because we couldn’t take the heat & then my sister had me walk up & down my stairs. The sun went down and we went back outside to walk. Jesus went to play basketball. My contractions were stronger & closer. My sister called into work so she could stay with me even though I told her not to because we weren’t sure it was the real deal. 

At 9:34pm I texted a picture of my timed contractions to Tiffanie and she told me to call the tub people to come over. I called & laid in my bed with Jesus counting contractions for an hour. I wasn’t nervous yet or scared. I was actually wondering if it was really happening. I didn’t want Ady to stay for nothing or the tub to be set up for no reason. I didn’t want to waste any one’s time. 

I asked Jesus to text our bishop & ask if he could come over & give me a blessing. Bishop Michaelson arrived at 11pm. My contractions were stronger but I held it together while he was here. Jesus, him & I went into the nursery and the bishop gave me a blessing. It was perfect. He said everything I need to hear, that the baby & I were both healthy and strong & that she was coming into a loving family. I was confident & excited. 

At 11:20pm the tub people arrived and began to set up. Jesus & I laid in our bed again for an hour & my contractions were lasting one minute and four minutes apart. I forced myself to call Tiffanie at 12:42am. She arrived at 1:20am. 

Jesus & I were in the nursery, the tub was almost ready, Ady took a picture of us all excited & smiling. Tiffanie checked me and I was 6 centimeters. I got into the tub and the water was warm, everything was perfect. Camila, a doula from Well Rounded Momma came also. While I was in the tub every contraction Jesus would massage me & push on my hips. I would breath & hum through my contractions like I learned in my birthing class. I would visualize breathing my baby down and getting one step closer to meeting her. 

After a while I told Jesus to go take a nap & let Ady take over for a little. He did. I threw up twice while in the tub which my midwife said was normal.
Tiffanie told me to tell her when I felt like I needed to poop. I kind of felt like I did but not that strongly. She said I would feel a strong urge. I kept having contractions & Camila helped me through them as they got stronger. She would put pressure on my back, hips & butt and it felt so good! She knew exactly how to help. 

Later, Tiffanie had me get out of the tub so she could check me. It was 11:30am when she saw my cervix wasn’t all the way dilated. My cervix was still intact on the top & it was pushing the baby’s head when I tried to push her out. Tiffanie said she could push it out of the way and over the baby’s head with her fingers during a contraction. She tried to do it a couple times & it hurt really bad. That was the worst pain during the whole labor. I was laying on the nursery floor, it’s daylight and I was very frustrated. The contractions hurt more out of the tub and even more when Camila put a “peanut” ball between my legs. That was the absolute worst. I started to cry because it just wasn’t working. It wasn’t going as I expected.

Although one of the affirmations I had written and hung in the nursery said, “I will accept whatever turn my birthing takes.” I couldn’t and I didn’t. I told Tiffanie & Camila to go home and we would try again tomorrow. I got mad at them. Tiffanie told me to go stand in the shower with Jesus & he held me while I cried. When we got out I was ready to tell Tiffanie to take me to the hospital. Deep down it wasn’t want I wanted but I was just so frustrated. 

Tiffanie brought Jesus & I into our room. She asked if we had gotten a blessing. We told her yes. She asked if I wanted her to tell my sister, nieces, mom, photographer to leave. I said no. She asked what was bothering me or blocking me, why I wasn’t surrendering. She told me to lay with Jesus on my bed for nine contractions. Three laying on my left side with the peanut ball, three on my right side and three with my chest on the bed and butt in the air. I cried and grunted so much during those contractions but I was determined. The last three Camila used a reboso to shake my hips and butt which made the contraction a little easier. 

When I was done I asked Jesus to call Tiffanie in our room. She checked me & said she was going to try to push the lip over again during the next contract. She did it! She almost broke her fingers doing it but the hard part was done. She asked if I wanted to go back into the tub or the nursery floor or even my bedroom floor and I told her no, I wasn’t moving from where I was. I didn’t care if my bed got dirty or anything I was going to give birth right then and there. 

Camila and Tiffanie put things on my bed to protect the sheets. Jesus & I were ready. I was done trying to take control of everything. Tiffanie was right. I needed to surrender. She said the right things to us and really made me focus. She was a strong voice telling me what was going to happen and Camila was the soft voice telling me I could do it. They were the perfect support team for us. I was rude to them during labor and  I wanted them to leave me alone but when it came time to push I didn’t want them to leave my sight. 

At 1:40pm on Wednesday I start to push. My sister recorded the whole event with my phone. I was laying on my side of the bed. Jesus was laying to the left of me and holding my leg. My mom was standing on my right holding my other leg. Camila was on my right next to my mom holding a flashlight. Tiffany was sitting on my bed right in-front of me and Ady was standing behind her. 

Tiffanie told me how to position myself and how to breath during a contraction. I was suppose to let the contraction come, let it build up, take a deep breath, hold as long as I could then let the air out quickly and repeat again before the contraction was over. As I was waiting for a contraction to come Jesus leaned over, kissed me on my forehead and said, “You’re so beautiful.” As I’m pushing my mom is wiping my face and telling me, “Tu puedes mija, tu eres fuerte.” I told Tiffanie to pull my baby out! During the “breaks” Tiffanie would explain what was happening and what was next.  At one point she had me reach down to feel my baby’s head. She said, “that’s her head. You got this.” Her and Camila kept saying I was doing awesome. (They knew I needed the assurance)

Jesus could see everything. He’s looking at me and then down at the baby’s head. I started to feel a burning sensation and Tiffanie told me that it’s the stretching. She told me to just breathe. I felt my baby’s head again. I pushed and Thea’s head came out then pushed again and she was completely out, crying on my chest. 2pm. The perfect moment. I held her and said, “Hi baby” Jesus said, “Baby you are so beautiful” like three times and then he said she cries so beautiful. He was crying & I was crying. She is perfect. Everything was perfect. 

At 2:22pm Jesus cut her umbilical cord and a minute later I nursed her for the first time. Jesus weighed her at 3:30pm, 7lbs 11 ounces. Tiffanie washed her head in my sink and then Jesus put on her 1st diaper & held her while I got cleaned up. She is the perfect baby.

I am so grateful to my Heavenly Father for the opportunity to carry Thea for nine months and meeting her and holding her for the first time. I know she chose us to be her parents and God trusts us enough to send her to us. I am forever indebted to Him. He was with me through the journey and kept Thea and I healthy and safe. 

I am grateful to Thea. She is our gift from God. She picked me as her mom! She would move so much inside my belly and every time I would worry that I hadn’t felt her move, she would give me a strong kick always reassuring me that all was well. She helped me through labor and we got through it together. She has made me a mother. She is making me think about things that never crossed my mind and see the wold in a whole new light. She has brought Jesus and I closer. Every day she brings so much joy to me and everyone around her. 

I am grateful for my husband, Jesus. He took care of me during my pregnancy and made me feel beautiful. He supported my ideas and went to every dr apt, attended birthing classes, watched home birth videos and did research with me. During labor he was amazing. He knew exactly what to say to me and how to massage and hold me. He was there with me, going through everything with me. He was so brave and I knew he was doing his absolute best. He is amazing. 

I am grateful for my mom. She wasn’t on board when I told her I was having a home birth and she kept saying she wouldn’t be in the room. During labor she would come in and out of the room just to check on me but her nervousness wouldn’t let her stay. When it came time to push she was there, holding my leg, wiping my sweat, wiping Jesus’s tears, saying encouraging words. I know if she could she would of felt the pain for me. She put her fear aside and came in the room to help. She was brave.

I am grateful for my sister who came as soon as I started having contractions. During my pregnancy she brought me stuff to make help my nausea and always looked out for me. She called out of work and stayed by my side. She took pictures and videos. When Jesus needed a break she would step in. She is a calm person so she made me calm. 

Lastly, I couldn’t have done it without Tiffanie. She was always reassuring me and answering all my questions during the pregnancy. She made me so happy every time I met with her and she would check the baby’s heartbeat she always said, “she sounds perfect” (I’m sure she says that to everyone) While in labor I felt like giving up but she wouldn’t let me. When she took Jesus & I into our room and asked why I wasn’t surrendering I realized I had so much more left in me. I was trying to be in control of everything and it was time to relax and focus on meeting my baby. I told her I was so close to telling her to take me to the hospital and she said she knew. I trust Tiffanie, I trust her with my body and more importantly, with my baby. Three weeks later and I am still texting her random questions and she responds. 

She made the perfect team with Camila. Camila made me feel relaxed. Sometimes I liked her more than Tiffanie. She massaged me and helped me through contractions. She was sweet and kept telling me to imagine my baby, her little hands and tiny toes. She kept saying how great I was doing and I knew she meant it. 

I loved my labor and my contractions. I had the best team helping me and we all wanted the same thing, to meet our sweet Thea. I would do it all over again

Here is a little bio on my siblings

My oldest brother Saul. He was born in 1979 in Guadalajara. He is 12 years older than me.

He was the cool older brother that had a nice car, listened to crazy music, always bought the newest gadgets and never got into any trouble. He is my mom’s favorite and it’s completely understandable. He is so patient with our mother and never disrespects her. He never got a tattoo because he didn’t want her to be upset. That’s how much of a brown-noser he is.

When I was in middle school he had a jeep wrangler and he would pick me up from school in his jeep with out the top cover, blasting his rock music. My hair would flow through the air and I felt sooo cool. He would give me rides everywhere and pick up my friends and never complain! My own dad would charge me for gas money if he gave me a ride.

In August of 2010 he told me he was gay. I was the first person he told in our immediate family. I never would of thought he was gay. The couple years before he actually came out I noticed he was struggling. Maybe I was older and I actually paid attention but I remember it was a hard time for him.

Now he lives with his partner and he just bought a house in Henderson. He is still kind but he has really annoying habits. He shows up 1-2 hours early for everything. If I host a party and say 6pm, he shows up at 5pm. If a movie starts at 7:50pm he is at the theatre seated with his snack by 6:15pm. He shows up too early and then rushes everyone. He loves taking pictures and they’re usually of all of us eating or doing something where we look stupid and he keeps them forever and brings them out for show and tell when ever there’s a get together.

S Simple A Annoying U Upstanding L Loving

Next is my sister Adriana. We call her Ady for short. She was born in 1981 in Guadalajara. She is 10 years older than me.

She moved out when she was 15 with her hs lover and had her first son Issac, when she was 17. Then she had Erianna when she was 19. I was only 9 so I basically grew up with them and they never called me “Tia”. Then she had Emma, which was the first time I saw a live birth! And a few years later she had Ellaine. Her kids all call me Penny. I thought I would be a cool aunt to them but I am basically their second, cooler mom. I always said I loved them like they were my own children. Especially Emma & Ellie since I was older. Ady says I’ll love my own kids more. We’ll see.

She lived a rough life but she chose that because she was soooo “in love.” After 17 years with her hs sweet heart they got divorced during the time I got engaged. That was really tough. She spent most of her life living on her own and when she got divorced she moved in with us and we actually lived together for the first time since I was 5 years old!

I remember when I was little she would eat hot Cheetos and do crossword puzzles so I did that to. She had cute handwriting that I tried to copy also. My favorite thing to do was go visit her in her tiny ghetto apartment. Every time my parents annoyed me I would pack my bags & say I was moving in with my sister. I got my period for the first time in her apartment and she tried to give me a tampon but my mom said I would lose my virginity.

She got married to Jesus (now she copied me) in 2016 and he has 3 boys. So total 7 kids from ages 20 – 8. She is really good at toning out her kids. She literally doesn’t hear them screaming or crying. She is too free spirited. She recently got her first tattoo and got her nose pierced with her daughter. She’s super annoying and even though I can’t stand her we seem to talk every day. We call each other “sister”which was annoying until we heard Emma & Ellie call each other that.

A Annoying D Daring Y Youthful

Next is Michael. He was born in 1990 in California and we share the same dad. Saul and Ady share the same dad from my moms first marriage. Michael is something else. He is 1 year and 6 months older than me.

I love hearing my parents talk about how Michael was since birth. Just a fireball. He has a very strong personality. He is super smart and can do math problems in his head which I can’t even do on paper. He has always had a lot of friends and been into different things. I hated how much liberty my parents gave him and I could never go or do what he did because I was a girl. I wished I was a boy to hang out with him all the time. He always had fun.

He dressed as a gangster at one point, then was a skater and bleached his hair, then he was a tagger (he went to juvy for tagging) then he was a racer, then he was a pretty boy. He is just a wild child. He likes to argue, fight and drink. But peel back a couple layers and he is the most emotional guy. He cried the whole day of my wedding. First because he was drunk and second because he was so happy for me. He has never said 1 ill word about my husband which is weird. He shows love in odd ways like telling his siblings how ugly we are.

Right now he is working in a construction company which has him traveling throughout the U.S. He likes that hard physical labor and I am sure he is good at it. He has been away from home for a few months which sucks because I don’t see him as often but I also sleep better knowing he isn’t in Vegas partying and going crazy. Sometimes I feel like Michael is my younger brother just because of the way he acts and how much I worry for him and try to take care of him. He has done it all and survived it all.

M Mexican I Impulsive C Carefree H Honest A Annoying E Electric L Loving

These are my 3 siblings. If I refer to them in another post, now you’ll have some background on them. I am the baby of the family and if you ask each one of my siblings they’ll tell you I’m their favorite.